When the world stops
Last Friday, I was scheduled to receive an alumni award at my high school. My family and friends were invited. We took off work. I bought something nice to wear. I am 7 months pregnant and mostly wear t-shirts and leggings but even at nearly 40 I’d like my adolescent stomping grounds to think I’ve still got it.
The Friday before was a sunny and warm afternoon. My husband and I picked up our son from school and got an early dinner, sitting outside with the sun on our faces, laughing and chatting about our day. As we ate our food, my phone started to ring. It was a 443 number which means it was someone calling from Maryland where I grew up.
In the moment with my family, I decided to send it to voicemail. When we got out to the car, I looked at my notifications and noticed “1 New Voicemail” waiting to be heard. I put the phone to my ear and listened:
“Hey Liz, It’s Susan. I just wanted to talk to you about something if you could give me a call.” It was the alumni office. Shit. She’s probably calling to remind me about that way overdue video I am supposed to send for the ceremony.
For more than a month, I had been avoiding taking the video for one reason or another - the lighting wasn’t right, my shirt had a stain on it, I didn’t feel like putting on makeup, I was tired.
I turned down the volume of whatever early 2000’s emo music my husband had put on and called Susan back. “Hi Susan, I’m so sorry I missed your call”, I said.
“Oh, that’s ok, Liz. I’ve got something I wanted to share with you and I wanted to do it by phone. Unfortunately I have some bad news”.
Like anyone, hearing that there is bad news is enough to make your heart drop. What could the news be? Was I disqualified from the award because of my video procrastination? Or was it because they finally remembered I was constantly in the deans office throughout high school?
“We have to cancel the awards ceremony on Friday. I am so incredibly sorry to tell you this. We had a student have a very bad car accident last week and she isn’t doing well. We’ve decided to cancel all of our Patriot Week celebrations to just be present with her and her family as a community.”
As a mother….as a human… I felt tears well up in my eyes. Both for the pain the student and her family must have felt as well as for the kindness and compassion the school was extending.
“Of course”, I said, “I am so glad you are doing that for her and her family. It’s the right thing. I will be praying for them”. I’m not religious. But I went to a religious school so the language of praying for someone goes beyond just talking to a God and also towards the idea of “I am pausing because this issue is big enough for me to make room for that.”
“Oh, thank you so much Liz. I feel so badly cancelling. I am glad you think it’s the right thing to do.” I could hear her exhale some sense of worry that I’d be upset.
When I got off the phone, my husband turned up his Emo music again and I sat quietly. The warm and sunny afternoon got quieter for me. I wanted to pause for this child who was hurting so badly as the world continued to spin.
Our lives spin so rapidly. And sometimes, when big things are happening, it feels as if we’re trying to take a photo but no one is stopping long enough for us to capture it. It’s all one big motion blur.
While it seemed like the right thing to cancel an entire week’s worth of celebrations, it surprised me (in a good way) that the school did it. Living on a 24 hour news cycle we move from tragedy to celebration to tragedy and back again as if nothing has happened at all. And while the individuals impacted still feel the effects, the world continues spinning on its axis.
As a therapist, I see the harm all of this spinning is doing when it comes to connection and healing.
One of my favorite quotes from relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman is “when you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.”
The pause is important. It helps us mark what has happened for others and it helps us integrate what has happened for us.
While this quote is related to the job of a partner in a romantic relationship, it’s applicable across the spectrum of our social lives. When people are in pain they want to know their experience matters, that they aren’t alone, and that their pain has moved you in some way.
But, really, how often are we finding it within ourselves to take the pause from the manic movements of our current world? Are we stopping and listening when our loved ones and community are in pain? Do we stop and listen when we are in our pain?
About a month ago, a friend sent me the finished manuscript of a book they had written and asked if I would be willing to read it and review it before it’s launch date. I was honored. “Of course!” I responded exuberantly. I immediately went and grabbed my husband’s iPad and started to read. It was so good that within an hour I had gotten through most of it. But, as I turned the pages, I heard a little sound coming from the little person next to me.
“Uh oh”, I thought. I knew that sound. It was a warning I needed to grab a bucket, stat. I put the book down, ran to the kitchen to grab a receptacle and spent the next two days rubbing my son’s tiny back as he let a virus pass through him. Then another three days as I let it pass through me. The world paused and I listened to what our bodies needed.
I kept thinking about the book I had put down, but I didn’t pick it back up. At first because I was too sick. Then too overwhelmed. Then perhaps too guilty for how long it had taken for me to get back to it.
Finally, several weeks later, I got the iPad back out and started where I had left off. I finished the book and quickly wrote my friend an e-mail:
“I am so sorry this is so delayed! I got sick and behind on everything. The book is so good! Here is my review!”
His response was kind, noting that he understood, I had a lot going on, and that it was completely okay. In a sense the response gave me permission to take the pause I had needed to take. I let the world stop and others were ok with listening.
TL:DR
Our world is moving at a rapid pace but the moments that matter within our communities don’t need to. We can slow down, reflect, pause, and listen to how our loved ones need us to respond in order to improve connection and healing.
When someone is struggling, remember John Gottman’s phrase “when you’re in pain, the world stops and I listen.”
Making the world stop to listen isn’t just about pain. It’s also about taking time to celebrate and enjoy life.
In the past month or so, a few moments in which “Ive stopped my world to listen” have been spending time with my family without distraction on a beautiful day, offering my support to change a big event in the face of a stranger’s pain, spending days in bed taking care of my sick son and then myself.
I was able to offer and also receive grace in these moments.
Something you can think about…
Has something happened in my own life that needs the world to stop and listen? What is it? How can I take a pause for myself?
When is the last time I put my plans aside to pause for someone I love?
When I think about the “world stopping” for me when I am in pain, what am I usually yearning for? Do I want quiet contemplation? Do I want active help and support? Do I just want to know I am seen?
Is there something about my life now that makes it difficult for me to honor my own experience or the experiences of others in the way I’d like to?
How can I practice offering grace and patience to others when their world stops?
What is it like for me to accept that pausing for important moments might also mean falling behind on something else? In other words, how do I handle the reality that life isn’t always in balance?
Holding space for Anna
If you have the energy, please offer something to the universe for Anna Deaver - whether that be prayer, reflection, or learning about her. Anna is a senior at my alma mater, John Carroll, and was in a serious car accident on March 27th. She remains critical.
Reads
The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver
Gottman and Silver share their principles for making a marriage work, including how to be attuned to your partner and what it really means to make the world stop when someone you love is in pain.
Crashing by Mark O’Brien
As I mentioned in this article, I was honored to read an advanced copy of Crashing, a memoir about the post traumatic growth that my friend Mark experienced and his examination of the profound consequences of the moment that forever changed his life and cut short the life of the woman he loved.
In reading this book, I was able to take a moment to make the world stop for the pain of Mark, Laura, and anyone who has experienced trauma.
I really enjoyed this thoughtful essay. Yes, the older I become, the more value I find in the pause…and the more grateful I am that I CAN take time, to support the joys, the celebrations, and the losses of people I care about. Thank you for sharing.