I'm upset, so why am I soothing you?
Ever since having kids, Janie’s been the default parent. Whenever a kid is sick at school, it’s Janie who drops everything and heeds the call. If Jake gets stuck at work late, Janie gives up her plans to make sure everything is alright on the home front. She’s exhausted and overwhelmed but whenever she talks to Jake about it nothing seems to change.
Tonight, though, Janie is looking forward to a rare moment of reprieve from the day in and day out balancing act of raising her family. For weeks she’s planned to take the train to New York to visit her cousin for the evening. She booked the ticket for an hour after her husband gets home from work and has prepped dinner and bedtime to make her absence easy on him.
It’s getting closer to the time she needs to leave, but Jake is nowhere in sight. She opens her phone and realizes she’s missed a text. “Aaron called me into a meeting so I’m going to be late”, the message reads.
Janie knows what this means. He isn’t going to be home in time for her to make her train. She starts to cry from the frustration and disappointment and chooses not to respond to his message.
She lets her cousin know the date is off, goes upstairs and changes into her pajamas. When Aaron gets home later that night he realizes she’s upset, but rather than soothe her he says “What’s wrong with you? I can’t help it if Aaron makes me stay late”.
Janie tries to share with him that she is disappointed and sad. That she is upset that he reneged on their agreement. But Jake interrupts, “you know…you don’t know how hard it is for me! I spend all day at work and I never get to come home. You’re talking to me about being disappointed you can’t go to NY. Think about how disappointed I am? Every day I am just at work and I get nowhere”.
“I understand”, Janie says, “but, I think you just aren’t thinking about how I feel too. I am really upset right now.”
“Well I feel like I really failed you,” Jake says. “And so now I feel like an awful husband. I just try to do everything right and I fail everyone”.
Jake is downtrodden as his shoulders slouch. Janie is empathetic so she starts to soothe him. “You’re not a bad husband. I know you try. I know you’re tired. We both are”.
Jake continues on, talking about his stress at work and at home. About how he doesn’t feel good about himself and he wishes he was better. Janie quietly listens on the couch, in her pajamas, holding tightly to a cup of tea where a Martini should be.
By the end of the conversation Jake feels better. Janie has reminded him he is good and has helped him take a load off his shoulders. Janie walks upstairs and gets into bed. Then, it suddenly hits her… “I was upset…so why was I soothing him?”
Janie starts to remember other times in which she needed support and ended up supporting Jake instead. It’s a pattern. And it’s been impossible to break. She opens her phone and texts him “I’m upset, so why did I end up soothing you?”
Of course, the messages that follow between Janie and Jake go nowhere. And endless and exhausting back and forth. Eventually Janie recognizes there is no rest for the weary in the arms of Jake, so she takes a deep breath, scrolls her phone for a little while, then falls asleep.
Janie and Jake’s exchange is common in all types of relationships - we see this type of dynamic between friends, children and their parents, siblings, and so forth. Jake’s form of defensiveness is exhausting, disrupts intimacy, and leads relationships into a dance of one person getting their emotional needs filled up while the other person feels completely stuck.
What can Janie do in the face of Jake’s lack of empathy and defensive responses when she has an issue? It’s hard, but she needs to learn to resist caretaking Jake in those moments while still being kind (this helps her stay aligned with her own integrity).
Instead of caretaking, Janie can try to:
redirect - “I know you’re stressed at work, however right now we are talking about what I am upset about. Can you hear me out and we can find time to talk about work later?”
set boundaries - “I’ve noticed that when I talk to you about what I am upset about, the subject tends to quickly change. In order to keep talking with you right now, I need you to hear me out”.
hold limits - “Okay, if you’re not able to recognize that right now I am upset and can't hold what you’re telling me right now, then I am going to leave the conversation”
plan ahead - After noticing the pattern, Janie might try to talk to Jake during a calm moment to let him know what she’s noticed and what she needs. She can use gentle start up -
I’ve noticed - I’ve noticed when I bring up issues, I never really get the floor.
I think/feel - I feel frustrated by this and really alone.
I need - I need to be heard. I really want to be given the space to talk and have you show me that you hear me and care what I am saying. You can do that by letting me finish and then summarizing what I’ve said.
accept reality - If this is a pattern that seems to repeat again and again, Janie might need to accept that her partner is not willing or does not have the skills to listen and empathize with her pain. Because of this, Janie might decide that sharing her pain with Jake is fruitless and decide to stop sharing with him. Instead, she might let him know that their relationship is in dire straits and that they need to get outside professional help.
All in all, to break this pattern, Janie will need to work to push back against her desire to caretake in the moment and instead choose to hold her ground.
Why does Jake (or your mom, sister, brother, dad, best friend) do this?
The same behavioral reaction can be caused by a number of sources. There isn’t one global reason that people become defensive and self serving in response to hearing another’s hurts. One potential reason is narcissism. Narcissistic people struggle to respond to anything they perceive as criticism. They become grandiose about their own struggles, pains, and issues and might be impatient and belittling of other people’s issues. When this is the cause, it’s unlikely that change can occur. Even with attempts to express yourself and your needs clearly, you will see that the pattern doesn’t adjust. Not even a couples therapist can get through.
Another possible reason is a low tolerance for stress and a low skill level when it comes to emotionally related conversation. When this type of person hears that someone else is upset, especially when it pertains to them, they become “flooded”. This means that the feelings they see in the other person, begin to cause a nervous system response within them that releases stress hormones like cortisol into their blood stream.
When people experience this response in their body, it becomes difficult to hear or respond well to other people. Couples this with a skill deficit in empathetic listening, the challenge increases. Their ears are ringing and their heart is thumping so loudly that they can’t think…but even if they could they don’t have the words to say to show that they heard you, they understand how you feel, and they want to make it better.
When this is the reason, change can occur. With help (and a willingness to improve) they can learn to self soothe and what to say when other people are struggling.
If you find that you are one of these people that really want to be there for others but struggle to keep the focus on them because you’re flooded and don’t know what to say, here are some tips:
The physiological reaction you have to another person’s upset makes it very difficult for you to respond well. This means the first thing you need to do is soothe the physical response. You can do this by taking deep breaths, asking to take a break and then going for a walk, drinking cold water, or exercising. Once your body is calm, you’ll be in a better place to hear them out.
Once you’re calm, take the pressure off of yourself to say the perfect thing. Often people say way too much in order to make things right. Instead, let the person who is hurting talk. Ask open ended, curious questions. Empathize by using statements like “I hear you”, “That sounds really hard”, “I completely understand why you feel that way?” and ask them what they think would make the situation better. You don’t have to do the thinking for them, you just have to hear them out.
Apologize. Don’t have an apology phobia - apologies make things better and aren’t nearly as scary as you think. Once you hear the other person out, take accountability for your part, let them know you’re sincerely sorry, and share, if you know, how you’ll make it different next time.
Have you ever experienced this dynamic before? What was it like for you? How have you navigated it? Share with me in the comments.
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Detailed scenario and role playing example! Thank you