Each week, I send an email to help you connect, even during your busiest seasons. Read it to each other in bed or take it in the car with you. It’s made to be easy, like Sunday morning.
1 question to check in with each other
1 activity to get closer
1 intention for the coming week
The State of Things:
First things first… let’s check in about how things are going overall in your relationship.
Q: Do I complain to you well?
How do you both give feedback in this relationship? How is it received? Talk about the state of feedback in your relationship and, if needed, what can be done to improve it
.
Getting Closer:
[Intellectual Intimacy]
Sometimes our relationships ought to be run like a business. Giving and receiving feedback are so crucial to staying aligned and fulfilled within our connections with others.
In the book “Thanks for The Feedback”, Douglas Stone and Sheila Han say there are three triggers that can provoke different reactions and responses. The authors share that these trigger send us into reactions prevent us from responding skillfully.
Look together at the triggers below and talk about how you notice these things showing up for you each and what you can do to be more sensitive to each other’s triggers when giving feedback.
Truth Triggers:
This trigger happens when we believe something is somehow untrue or off base.
Common response: Feeling wronged, indignant, and exasperated.
Relationship Triggers:
In this case, we are triggered by the relationship - this includes what we believe about the giver of the feedback (they are not credible, for example) and how we are treated by them (“I do so much for them and they are being unfair!”)
Common response: “The audacity!”
Identity Triggers:
Regardless of the feedback, whatever is said has somehow caused our sense of identity to “come undone”.
Common response: Off balance, threatened, ashamed, and overwhelmed.
Setting an Intention:
“This week, I will work on bringing lightness and humor into our lives”
What I read:
This week, Thanks For The Feedback was on my nightstand. I picked up the book to help me at work since I often have to give feedback to the therapists I train. However, I found it to also be helpful on the relationship front.
Know someone that would like this type of thing? Forward them this e-mail.
Forward them this email or the article link + suggest they subscribe.
A Better Life Therapy
I founded A Better Life Therapy, LLC in 2013 with the goal of providing top tier relationship and mental health support. At A Better Life we believe that things can absolutely get better and that sometimes everyone needs a little (or a lotta) help.
Serving Colorado, Delaware, Florida, New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania and Utah, we offer individual and relationship therapy services.
Want to work with a therapist? You can take this therapist matcher and we will offer you suggestions based on things like the issue you’re struggling with, your location, and your availability.
I Want This To Work
My book, I Want This To Work, teaches you the top skills that I teach couples every day in my therapy office. Available everywhere books are sold.