Clutter + Cortisol
Thoughts from a conversation with a personal organizer
It’s 6PM and I’ve just pulled into my driveway from a long work day. I’m tired and ready to head into the house, see my kids, eat dinner, and eventually get some time to rot away on the couch. I shut off the engine and my heels click clack across the pavement to the front door.
I inhale as I prepare my body for the comfort I hope to feel as I enter my home. And then, I see IT. A counter full of dishes, mail, and one Pediped baby shoe. The kitchen table has a gift bag from a recent birthday party and littered beside it is a plastic top, some stickers, and a toy soldier attached to tangled parachute. I begin to walk forward only to trip over my daughter’s carseat, draped with my son’s backpack.
The inhale doesn’t work. My home is not comfortable and neither am I.
I feel my muscles start to tense and my mind moves into a critical place. I’ll never get to rest. This house is a mess. We have too much shit. I am so sick of no one helping around here.
Then to an anxious place. I don’t have a spot for it all! What if it just keeps getting messier?
On most days, my house is tidy enough. But, recently, I’ve noticed the excess of stuff we have is taking over and becoming harder and harder to sweep into a closet. Where can it all fit? And WHO should do the fitting?
Clutter, Cortisol, and Mental Load Disparities
In 2010, a study was conducted on dual income, married couples with at least one child living in the home. The study showed that when the wife viewed a home as cluttered her cortisol rates rose throughout the day while those not experiencing a clutter problem noticed their cortisol levels dropped throughout the day.
In this study (and others), women tend to be more impacted by the stress than men. I was recently on a call with Meg Golightly the professional organizer behind GoSimplified where we discussed clutter and it’s impact on stress and therefore on relationships. As we discussed how women tend to have increased cortisol due to clutter while men do not I shared my hypothesis:
Women are overwhelmed with the clutter because they know they have to carry the cognitive load to ultimately figure it all out.
In most American homes, women carry the bulk of what’s called mental load. Mental load is any work that requires our brains - noticing, remembering, delegating, researching, etc.
When a woman sees clutter (yes, generalization and might not apply to all), she doesn’t only notice the mess but begins to actively process what she is going to need to do next and how she will do it.
Cognitive Overload
As I regain my balance after tripping over the carseat, the cogs in my mind machine start turning…faster and faster. Do I move the carseat now? If I do that then I will also need to move the book bag. Where should the book bag go? I took the hooks down and have no where to hang it. Maybe I should ignore the book bag car seat dilemma and deal with the stuff on the counter. I dont know, though. Do I really want to carry the solo baby shoe up the stairs? Should I find it’s partner first?
As I think about all of the tasks that lay before me, I begin to experience cognitive overload. This puts me into a stress state and notice myself starting to shut down. I’m so overwhelmed that now I don’t even want to make dinner or go play with the kids. I want to get on the couch and throw the covers over my head.
Within moments of walking into my home the clutter followed by cognitive overload has moved me into a stressed state. And this not only impacts me but my ability to show up for my family.
A Balancing Act
Most families with young children cannot have picture perfect homes. Especially so when they are dual income homes. There just isn’t enough time in the day. And, we can aim for some semblance of balance (while understanding nothing is ever totally balanced).
How do we get there?
Shedding
Many of us have TOO MUCH STUFF and we don’t know what to do with it. It’s important to learn how to minimize the items in your home. This might include having to do emotional work that helps you let go, but it’s important. You deserve mental space, get rid of stuff in your physical space to have it.
Preventing
Proactively looking for solutions to clutter can help. When I talked with Megan Golightly about what to do with all the stuff, she suggested having “homes” for your stuff. By setting up these homes, you will need to “think less” when clutter arises because you know exactly where it goes.
In order to create these homes, start to make a list of the types of clutter you find around the house. Then, create a spot for it. For example, if you find piles of receipts laying around it means your receipts need a home so people know where to put them.
Adapting
Since having a busy life likely means your home will not be perfect, some things might remain a little cluttered or messy. This is where we want to work on adapting to how life is right now - your kids won’t be little forever and you , hopefully, won’t always be so busy. This is a season. Learning how to regulate and co-regulate with each other during this period of time will help keep the cortisol levels lower.
Let me know in the comments about your experience of clutter and how you’ve navigated it in your own life.
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To top it off, seeing a partner, who doesn’t experience the stress, taking their post-work break instead of addressing the clutter makes it worse.
Have tried the ignore it method, which only lasts so long. Have tried “reframing” to remind myself that a messy home = lived in = something to be grateful for. Have tried talking through “why it matters so much” in therapy. Nothing works. Resisting my feelings about it makes it worse. I just accept that the level of clean I need to feel relaxed is what it is. Now I focus on regulating to the extent that I don’t take it out on my partner, and proactive solutions like cleaning a bit before I leave for work in the morning, hiring occasional help, or taking a break after work elsewhere before coming home.
It's even worse when you're a working single Mom with kids. I literally go into freeze mode on the weekends and very little gets done.